Keep smiling – lockdown luvvies are there to give us a good laugh

Whenever one is prone to despair at the latest manifestation of the utter stupidity of one’s fellow man, it’s always worth taking a good look at who is most enthusiastic about it. It will inevitably give you something to smile about even through your cloud of misanthropy.

Lockdown luvvies are rather like this. There is now no credible evidence at all to suggest any correlation whatsoever between ruinous national shutdowns and saving lives.

The Downing Street propaganda briefings present complex graphs and awful death figures without any context or meaningful analysis, which turns out to be just the right amount of scary to sustain the snowflakery of the lockdown luvvies.

But whilst some are fed up to the back teeth of lockdown whilst being disproportionately frightened of the virus, there are the genuine lockdown crusaders – the people who think this is all absolutely fantastic.

Rule number 1 for any crusading warrior: back a worthy cause that won’t hurt you. Most of the lockdown luvvies are probably still in possession of their jobs, or are furloughed. They probably have loved ones around them and see the whole thing as an extended opportunity to enjoy a lazy summer in the garden.

How could you not listen to their worthy demands to stay home and stop moaning? You selfish zero hours person cooped up in a tower block with the only greenery around you likely to be illegal! You’ve got to have a good lockdown – to reach new heights of self-discovery in these unprecedented times.

The second golden rule is to have as many blatant double standards as you like, but never to admit or apologise for it.

Ladies and gents, I give you the nation’s favourite morning mouthpiece Piers Morgan! Morgan has championed the lockdown with gusto, despite the fact that he lives in relative luxury and, of course, gets to go to work and carry on largely as before every single day. IT was okay for him, though, to blast the selfishness of construction workers trying to earn an honest crust even back in the early days when the word Furlough meant absolutely nothing to brits.

Morgan has done more than anyone else to whip up mass hysteria, all whilst shouting abuse at stressed out ministers and any other guest that comes on for the sport of being screamed at.

But even Morgan has his limits. This weekend he took to Twitter to cry about an article in the Mail on Sunday, in which the owner of his favourite Italian restaurant in Kensington speculates rather gloomily on the future of restaurants.

“Heart-rending piece in today’s Mail on Sunday by the owner of my favourite local Italian (& London's oldest family restaurant) @ilporticolondon,” whined Morgan. Apparently with no sense of irony that his precious lockdown has been the cause of the absolute misery faced by businesses, he then continued: “I can’t wait to go back when this is all over....it’s a fabulous place.”

Except of course that, when Piers’s entire purpose in life has been to shout ministers down and berate them for not doing enough, it’s hardly likely that he’s done much to help make that happen any sooner.

So there you have it: Morgan is happy to disregard all the other misery that lockdown is causing but will use his typical Sunday indulgence of tweeting utter crap to moan about his lack of posh nosh up west.

The climate brigade have excelled in this snort-worthy hypocrisy for ages, whether it’s Emma Thompson flying long-distance to join protests in solidarity with the great unwashed and calling for an end to flying, or little Ecocious Precocious Thunberg and her boat that took about 5 years to reach America and required more flights to get the people to operate it than would have been required if she’d just booked Virgin economy class with the rest of the peasantry!

Incidentally, if our Professor of Doom-ology Neil Ferguson does turn out to be right and Coronavirus does wipe out humankind, what a relief that we’ll at least have the one last pleasure of telling Miss Thunberg and her Extinction Rebellion chums that they’ve called it wrong once again before we all go down.

Those of us blessed with the common sense to know that we should probably find a middle ground between doing nothing and living under a level of curtailment comparable to a high-security prison, sometimes feel like the whole world has gone mad. At the moment, it has.

Yet people will come around. Gradually, fear will become proportionate and British good sense will once more return. And if I’ve learned anything from the climate change extremists, it is that it’s okay to have a chuckle at them and move on.

The same will be true for the diehard lockdown enthusiasts. Even the high priest of lockdown fanaticism turns out to have a resolve that’s more crumbly than the parmesan on his pasta pomodoro. So keep smiling – lockdown luvvies are there to give us a good laugh.